This is my Rat Tail. It was born in the summer of 2011, when my oldest friend Alex gave me my first mohawk.
Now, I know what you're thinking: Mohawk? So played! Well, honestly, really, like most guys, I'd wanted one for years, had actually tried a few half-hearted, disguiseable faux thingies, but knew NOW was the time: I had just so happened, through various social musical and professional failures, to have fallen into a place where I was completely invisible to the world. Nobody cared what I did, or what I looked like. I was scum, and it was, of course, quite liberating.
I'd gone to several barbers, requesting the hawk, but absolutely could NOT get them to commit to actually DOING one! They'd always chicken out and give me this weird high-and-tight thing.
Of course, months pass, nay, years, when everybody and their momma started getsin' the hawk, and me and Alex FINALLY come up with the perfect hawk plan: 1 barbeque, 2 cases of Coors Light and some hair clippers. However, this hawk comes with a conditional RAT TAIL, one that CAN NOT be cut, or even trimmed for the entire duration of the mohawk. I wore that mohawk for 2 years.
As you can imagine, that fucker got hella long. Like, down to center of my back. I started gettin it twisted up in a badass biker braid. I had a small team of people helping me look after and maintain my epic rat tail, with tweaks and tightening every few days. Yes, that Rat Tail had a posse.
When I did take it out the braids, the crimped tail spilled down my back like a gnarly-ass frizzy Kentucky Waterfall mullet. It was truly an awesome and fearsome sight. Certainly not for the faint of heart. I loved it, with a love that, like the Rat Tail, grew with each passing day.
That is, until one day, I got a complaint from some ignorant back-woods asshole at one of my job sites and made the decision to humble myself and cut it, as to not look like a stubborn a-hole myself.
So, that's the story of my "Epic Rat Tail". If you go back in my twitter feed, you can see various gushing love-tweets about my #EpicRatTail.
You may ask yourself, Who cares? Why did I tell you all this?
Well, even as I write this, I'm sitting in my car, in the back parking lot of church, trying to cool off so I don't go back in there and choke out the choir director in front of the whole congregation, although it would probably be met with cheers.
Thanks for listenin...
